After every death by suicide or misadventure comes an onslaught of familiar comments. Mostly well meaning and kind-hearted comments but ones that also make me want to scream.
Lately, a number of these types of losses have been close-to-home. The first, around a month ago was one link away via mutual friends that were left devastated, with circumstances that resonated a little too much. The second, quite close to heart that I am still struggling to comprehend. The third, most recently made the news of my small local home-town. All of them have me poignant somewhat numb, and extremely sad. All of them were individuals that seem precious and have left a space, an ache.
Everyone reacts differently to shock and grief. No way of trying to cope, adjust, regroup, is wrong or anything to be ashamed of under the circumstances. But there are some people that will understand the pull of mental illness, and some that just cannot. There is no fault here, but I want to offer some words of clarity. Words I feel the need to say.
The fact is that depression does not care if you are young and full of promise and potential. It does not consider that you have so much more to experience in life or that throwing your future away is 'such a tragic waste'. Neither will it grasp that you have money, a good job, a loving family or privilege over others.
Crippling anxiety cannot rationalise that things can pass, get better, that those moments of sheer terror will not overwhelm you. It will not comprehend that there are GOOD sources of help to be found, sources of valuable support and health professionals willing to listen.
Eating disorders are blind to the concept of existing without starving or harming yourself in an attempt to shrink. At their worst they will not allow you to see that you you deserve anything more but that constant misery. Anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, BED or Diabulimia: they all have the potential to diminish your sense of worth to dust and stamp all over it.
When mental illness is at it’s most unrelenting and ferocious, it simply does not give a shit about anything besides a destruction, whether that be a way to cope or an end goal. It will take any opportunity it can to knock you over, and with every swing and punch you fall further down, further away, until you're left with a bashed up broken brain that cannot think straight.
I can see how it can get to the point where somebody might feel like they've no other option, and no strength left to fight. That is not a sign of being flawed or any kind of weakness. Rather, it is the full-force impact of defeated by something too powerful and suffocating, like a lump of coal clogging your throat.
Most of all, a message to the moronic that at times like these seem to rise from the ground like clusters of worms with their oh-so-important utterances: suicide is not stupid or selfish or ungrateful. Those views are vile and completely ignorant. Also, media, please take note that in this age describing suicide or attempted suicide with the damnation of“commit” is unacceptable, as it is no longer a criminal offence and has not been classed as such since 1961.
To the aforementioned: you are not that person, you have no right to pass judgement on them. You have not stood where they have, seen or thought what they have, or rather been unable to see what they need to.
More people need to understand of how severe mental illness can blot out factual thoughts like thickly splodged Tippex over typos.
It's a fucking parasite of a thing to have to battle with. Some do it every single day, and it can hurt like hell.
If you are one of those people then try to hold on with the tightest grip you can, and try to remember despite that stalking cloud and the trailing whispers or smoke, that you are not doing it alone.
By Claire Kearns.